bullets-n-stars

Clouded Windows

2010-03-03T02:25:00.000-08:00

clouded windows
We live in a house with dirty windows
Once born with innate innocence
Happy spirits with no fear
oblivious...living in babylon
manmade puppets molded to perfection
False knowledge shoved down our throats
No freedom, no rights
brainwashed until lies become truth
We are numb fools to believe them
lost in translation
...
I wonder if she really knows?
suffocation from destruction
Bloody knees dragged on broken dreams
Wishing they would put them down
My brother and sister are starting to rot
All she breathes in is despair
All she gives back is forgiveness
She cries rain in our drought
Of awareness
She hopes for love and peace
A renewel and an awakening
Found my place in the universe
When I let that sugar disipate
New perceptions arose
Falling deep into my subconcious
omniscient creation, my beautiful world
Colors laugh and burst,
swirling into a kaliedescope
swallowing her flavor
quenching my thirst
Brillaint light and energy
floating in my head
realms of enlightenment
no jugment, no pain
Knocking on sanity's door
To speak of truth and righteousness
Connect with the roots
The wise earth so mystical
I want to dance in her skies
And fasten each star around my heart
She guides me
To a better understanding
My window has been cleaned
My door is forever open

NEW!!!

2009-05-13T11:43:00.001-07:00

Wow I have not been on here in a long time! Well A lot has happened sine I wrote last. I am gonna post new stuff rather then just poetry and random things! It's gonna be an official blog of updates on my life starting next week! I used to write all the time and I am sad that I don't anymore. So I'll see u next week!

Sinking

2007-01-21T14:02:00.000-08:00

Do you think it was okay?...

To leave me here in the dark
I have to face today with no tomorrow
You placed your hands tightly around my mouth
You held my hands down so I had no control
You took that toll on me
You made my breath weak
I was dizzy
I was hurt
I don’t even know you
I have done all this before
I have hurt myself over this
I made a disaster out of this
When I can make something beautiful out of nothing
A million things flashed through my head but just one made my heart
SINK
You play it off now like everything's okay
But it's not
Nothing is okay
I love someone
With all my heart
I know him more than I know myself
I would die for him
And last night that is exactly what I did
Now I am left with no sanity
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I can't breathe
You took my life
My existence I loved
Now worries consume my mind
Where peace once laid
Now shadows are cast on my soul
Where sunshine once shone
Now angels took my spirit into hell
Where it was once uplifted by my love
Now sorrow fills my heart
Where happiness once lived
You will let me be this way
Without a care in the world
You broke me and shattered me to pieces
Now to insecure and shallow
To hurt and feeble
To trust myself and pick the pieces back up
I need familiar loving hands to put me back together!

Happy Heart

2007-01-21T14:01:00.003-08:00

All I want is a happy heart and a peaceful mind

“I guess I should of said something anything, I mean for a girl who wants to be a writer it seems that no words have ever been written. But when someone tells you that they somehow stopped missing you, you’re pretty much screwed no matter what you say.

See there had to be something right…something that nobody said in the history of the world… something that could change this: ‘I’m sorry!’
That wasn’t it.

Until you fix all the mistakes you made nothing will change, some say people can’t change, but they can. They just don’t because its easier not to, we are always waiting for are lives to begin like figuring we’ll be someone else someday. But after all that I have been through I think what is stopping me and pulling me back?
This is it, what are we all waiting for?
All we have is now!
Don’t run from this.

My name is Paris Tobin
I’m 18 years old and I am now a college student at CSULB, my life is changing quickly before my eyes, I’m restless and cannot sleep. The world seems to be moving without me, I’m lost in memories decaying in my mind. I’m falling away from my past but it is following me. My past shaped me, the present is changing me, that’s why it is a gift giving me the future which holds a destiny I must form. Without loss there is no love. Without love there is no life. I am happy, yet disheartened or should I say confused.
I am soul searching like any college student should be.
Waiting for the world to change.
I’m slow dancing in a burning room.
I have a mother who is in peace yet falling apart and wants so much for others.
I have a discombobulated family.
I have a boyfriend and a best friend.
I have loved ones and friends who will always be there by my side.
I have a secret.
I have my hopes, dreams, and fears.
I have seen beauty and despair.
I have been in love and been heart broken.
I have broken hearts and been bruised with guilt.
Someone loves me and I don’t deserve his care.
I am in love and I hurt the person who means the most.
I know what it feels like to be alone.
To feel miserable and lonely in a crowded room.
I want peace in my mind and happiness in my heart.
I had a father or
At least I used to….
A had a reason for existence…
At least I used to…. But I’m forming one now.
I must throw away my clouded dreams and disposable cameras of freedom and joy and start living reality to form happiness. Because happiness does not mean everything has to be perfect it means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.
I have many imperfections, many faults I’ve buried under the sand.
I have seen the light after hitting rock bottom.
But I am back…here I am.
Ready to live, laugh, and love again. I need that someone who has always missed me before he knew me, I need that someone who I can share the rest of my life with. I need that someone to know I won’t hurt him any more because I’m done hurting.
The tears left me to you, and without meaningful conversations I’ll go no where.

My home is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it’s a lot like your world.
Maybe it’s nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you.

Someone trying to find their way.
Someone trying to find their place.
Someone trying to find their self.

My home is somewhere I feel safe, where someone loves me for me, some one who is there to catch me when I fall, a place where my heart lays and my childhood dreams grew to life. My home is with you.
Sometimes it’s easy to feel that you are the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated, unsatisfied, or barely getting by.

But that feeling is lie.
And if you just hold on
Just find the courage to face it all for another day
Someone or something will find you to make it all okay.
Because we all need a little help sometimes.
Someone to help us hear the music in the world.
To remind us that it won’t always be this way.
That someone is out there.
And that someone will find you!

Numb

2007-01-21T14:01:00.001-08:00

I’m already dead
I’m spinning
Not believing in who I am
Naked dancing in a fake disco
I’m so unsturdy
Can’t tell the difference between what is
Real and what is a dream
Nothing is easy
I am just waiting
Waiting for this world to change

Lost

2007-01-21T14:00:00.001-08:00

Cuz I don’t know where I’m
Going
Going to change these scars
Don’t know where we came from but
I do
I do know that
With a tired soul and a tired mind,
I sleep
I sleep with worries floating
Above me
Above me there is something
Something better
Something Better to leave all this
Behind
Behind there is a story
A story untold
Untold of empty days
Empty days full of freedom
Freedom to fall between the lines
Between the lines there is truth
Truth to change a shooting star’s
Path
A path of beauty and love so
Purified
Purified and I pushed it away
Pushed it is so far
So far away
Tonight would you please just
Take me
Take me Away!

2007-01-20T01:17:00.000-08:00

I wish one day you could wake up smiling again
Showing me that real smile like your living a dream
This non-communication has become an addiction
And you can’t seem to change no matter how hard you try
I’m sorry to say but I’m tired of giving you more time
At first everything is fine but then I feel left alone when I ask for your opinion or I tell you what is on my mind. I write you things because I mean it. What we hold is meaningful, you are my life, I un-write my stories and fill in our future, I tell you my dreams, hopes, fears, goals and what makes me happy. But the peace seems to vanish my mind when we constantly fight. I just don’t understand why you can’t comprehend. You skim across the surface when you speak to me. Your admirable and sensual words are glued to my mind like I know what you’re going to say or do next. Your sweet words build a daily routine like a scratched record playing back in my head over and over.

I know that you love me but how deep is it.
I know that you miss me but how far will you go to see me
I know that you would take a bullet for me, but you don’t act like it.
I KNOW YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL NOTHING…WHY IS THAT?
MAYBE because you have a one track sided mind and your future with me is based off your past and you can’t move forward.

I have too many corners in my mind and I wish you could be here for me to sort them out. There are too many midnights today and I can’t get out of bed. We are unsteady because I know you are still in repair but please take my heart’s advice and follow me to this better place. Steal my heart and hold my tongue…let me in and unlock the door cuz I have never felt this way before. This tank is empty and I need you to refill it.

Hold my hand inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

Babe when your dreaming with a broken heart waking up is the hardest part.
We share a beautiful relationship but after all these years you still can’t communicate your insecurities with me. I know I have mentioned this to you plenty of times, and obviously I am again for a reason. You choose not to talk because of your selfish needs. You choose to act the way you do instead of working on our intimacy issues. You choose not to pour your heart out because you don’t want to get hurt again. But truthfully babe you are hurting me slowly and I just can’t take it any more.
I feel that when I see you everything is okay and last night was amazing. I felt I was floating in the clouds with you because you made love to me and I felt your missing touch. However even though everything seemed so right, it went down in flames, because you woke up on the wrong side of bed. My doubts shoot me down every time and now my heart is aching because we just can’t seem to get it right. I feel that you choose not to put any effort into the outcome, You seem to not realize what it will do to us if you just leave, it is a sense of giving up, at least that is how I portray it. And if you want to leave that impression imprinted in my soul then go ahead, just don’t be sorry in the end. I feel that you want to stay the same with your guard up because your afraid of what I will say. I’m sick of living this way and if you want this to work then show me how far you will go to stay!

You are probably thinking that today had nothing to do with this but really when you look deeper it does and it hurts to think after 4 years my best friend does not understand me. He does not have the patience to speak to me nicely or show me what he wants, or tell me his aspirations. I don’t want to give up but I am getting a weird stimulation from all of this. I’m making my stomach hurt as I wipe the tears off my cheeks and well a new drop in my eye just for you. Why do we have to endure this when sanity is right around the corner. Tonight I will rely on the stars up above to send me the man I always dreamed of I want you back…. So tonight the north star will be my other half!